The irony of your passing can easily put me in a state of denial.
I can still hear your larger than life laugh,
I can still hear you in my mind.
I can still feel the tension of you mad at me in the next room for not doing the dishes, being without direction and borrowing your clothes.
I can hear the concern in your voice, the excitement, the sadness, the pain.
I hear you telling me how hard it will be to write.
Telling me about the officer you sat next to on the plane, who’s son is struggling as a journalist in St.John’s.
But, that’s the kind of women we are. We’re stubborn and say, “Watch me”.
I can hear you telling me, “Fuck insecurities, do it anyway.”
I can feel your pain and your happiness. I can feel you guiding me, protecting me. Wanting the best for me. I reciprocated all of those things while you were here.
I knew you as a great mentor full of untapped potential.
I knew you as me, unable to cry, filled with an unfillable void.
Always searching, holding our breath figuratively and literally for something to happen. But, I’ve seen your eyes since, they were filled with a brilliance I’ve never seen before. I told you I loved and missed you as I sat gapeseed and knowing.
I knew you were gone but at the same time, you are not.
“Feeling insecure is one of the most difficult feelings to manage. You have far more amazing qualities than you do bad. We all have our flaws, it’s a normal and inescapable of human existence. Nobody is perfect (cliche, yes! but very true). You have to recognize and focus on all of the things that make you unique, caring, kind, beautiful. You have the most beautiful soul, you are too amazing to let your insecurities hinder your ability to do whatever your heart desires. Feelings of insecurity are so difficult, they’ll eat you alive if you allow them to. I can guarantee that you are an inspiration to many and I’m pretty sure there are tons of girls out there that wish they could have your perserverance, uniqueness and strength. Focus on the positive, don’t let your past or your flaws dictate your future or define who you are at this moment. If you want to move forward with life, you have to leave past insecurities, hardships, and just life in general where it is.”